#191 / 2011 Winter: Santa Fe

I FIND A RUDDER

#191

I said I was a dandelion caught in the wind, a leaf fallen into a current. It never occurred to me to resist; I knew it was pointless. Again I don’t know myself. I am without direction or goals, or plans.

I am a goal-oriented person without goals. Our plans blew up and I was left holding ashes – light, without substance. Some people came to fill the void, to offer up solutions and plans. And in that helpless state I accepted them – their offerings - made in the poignancy of the moment. And one by one those plans too all collapsed around me. I didn’t depend upon myself;  I depended upon others, because I lost myself.

This isn’t me. I don’t really know who I am, but what I am now, is not me.

So I reclaimed our plan- our nine-year plan – that was lost so quickly: I will go that Oaxaca without you. I will improve my Spanish until I have a small degree of your eloquence.  I will hike the ruins without you, eat fried grasshoppers without you. I’ll never know if you would have eaten one with me.

I’ll develop my own mole recipe – find a chocolate shop. And knowing this has given me back my strength, given my life purpose once more.

Because I do know I am not helpless in a current; it isn’t my style. I  have found just this one small rudder, but it has give given me direction and strength. I’ll find some musica romantic to fill my heart, to console me. This is all I know; I have found my rudder.