#185 / 2011 Winter: Santa Fe

COPING IS A CHALLENGE

#185

The sun has just risen above the mountains, hit the balcony rails, it’s quarter after eight. Floating like that dandelion I floated into a chalet near the ski basin of Santa Fe. I am really housesitting for a month further down near town, but a friend needed backup for a weekend and I was willing to accommodate.

My companion is Risa. Usually Joe and I house sat cats. I’ve been feeding and walking some huge dogs in Albuquerque at Debbie and John’s house. Risa reminds me of Lassie, but she has this really long snout. She is so good. You learn a lot about people by their animals. I wouldn't want any one of you to meet my son’s dog.

So I reluctantly left the little bedroom where Joe died. I felt like I was leaving him. Then I moved up to this perfect zen home kinda out on the ouskirts of the city limits, near the horse country in Santa Fe

I couldn’t ask for more for serenity and a place to begin a healing process. This is part of the reality I have stepped into, this elevation that Joe brought to me. He left me, yet he raised me up in his passing. I respect it and try to honor it.

When I first heard all the bad news about Joe way back in Florida, I bellowed like a cow. I see how my grief has changed, lost strength. I have no control over my tears. My goal every day is to get through without crying. That hasn’t happened once and it’s been almost two months.

I was walking around the Santa Fe Plaza in the five and dime store. There were some stickers there, like chile peppers, ristras, and Kokopelli. I just couldn’t control myself and I started crying. Joe would have loved it all.


 I pulled my sunglasses further down my face and walked out to the sidewalk. I’m still crying; tears quietly stream down my check. I have to wait till I get in the vehicle to let it all out.

I don’t bellow anymore, it’s more like the bleat of a sheep, thin now and used up, a whimper. It’s a cry of acceptance and helplessness. I guess at some point it will end. I am unhappy but on the other had I am empowered like I never have been before.

Guess that gives me the curiosity to want to wake up. I have changed everything. My van is set up for one. I bought new dishes, new underwear, a French press for coffee. It’s my new life, a more comfortable life, which I appreciate.

I focus on April on the Border Book Festival and the incredible gift Denise Chavez has afforded me by allowing me to attend. I am spending all these  moments given to me to focus, meditate, due my yoga and walk Risa up these beautiful  hills.

Happy Trailz

Pamela Hirst

PS I want to prompt anyone who has read joe’s book to put up something on his facebook.com  page so by the Border Book Festival there will be references to the book. I am amazed at how many orders have come in to me and online. I have had to reorder, that’s exciting.