#157 / 2010 Winter: Panama City

NOVEMBER 30

#157

Passed through Thanksgiving holidays attempting to keep some degree of normalcy in  my soul. I didn’t journal; didn’t want to think about anything. Walked the beach every day. I do feel less disjointed, back into one piece.

When we had a whole week before the doctor’s appointment, tomorrow, there was plenty of time to just be, enjoy the small things. But as tomorrow nears I am like Christ in Gethsemane, my courage is failing me.

We have been able to help wZ make his custom leather bags,  hole punching the leather, braiding straps, it has been a real distraction and will actually earn us some gas money. But my anxiety level is growing.

We had a great meal at an Italian restaurant by the beach. The waiter was from Madrid and Joe had a lot of pleasure in conversing with him. He even complimented Joe’s accent; said it sounded Castillian.

But an hour later he was really uncomfortable. Too much food and the whole area that seems to be Joe’s liver gets really uncomfortable. He was feeling better and we also took a bike ride the other day. But his foot is swollen and his sandals made a horrible looking red mark across his foot which is indeed tender.

He isn’t complaining at all; taking everything in stride for now. He simply says  he is “awestruck” by the whole unfolding of events.

We almost ran out of medicine and it was frightening waiting for the pharmacy to call and tell us his supply of Lovenex was in. He held that big sack of medicine so tenderly, the way he used to carry a six pack of beer back from the store, all nestled up in his arms.

And he’s tired, his energy level is way down. Understandably so. But dread is setting into my soul. In the beginning of this I was just grasping at straws looking for symbols to bolster me up. When I was walking circles around the hospital my processes ran wild: Oh look here are mushrooms growing in the grass; this must mean something. They are psychedelic mushrooms. I’ll fix tea with them and they will create a miracle and cure Joe.

Reason finally took over, especially since I didn’t have a clue as to what kind of mushrooms they were, but I did pick them and stash in  the van for one day just thinking along those kind of abstract wild trains of thought.

One more day until we know the whole truth of the matter. One more day.