#148 / 2010 Winter: San Destin: Sacred Heart Hospital

MY E-MAILS KEEP ME GOING

#148

I convene with and pray constantly to my mother in heaven. Joe and I went through a similar situation when I had emergency surgery for a ruptured gall bladder in Oregon over eight years ago. Just as I believe my mother helped get me to a special hospital there I feel like we have been guided to Sacred Heart, a hospital dedicated to helping the poor. Well we are certainly that.

It is heartening to wake up, turn on the comptuer and read all the good well wishes already pouring in and I do mean pouring in. There have been offers to fly us home, offers to send money, it's unbelievable. But the most important thing for us now is to hope Joe can be operated on here for the mass on his pancreas and then we can follow that up with other treatment in NM. There's nothing to go on until after tomorrow.

I email my friend Dana in Atlanta, an extreme journal writer, to tell her I want to reach out to her:

Dear Dana,

I am journaling about this experience, For some reason I want to share this journal with you as I consider you someone who appreciates what I am trying to do. It will make a backup file too for me. I am trying to tell all that I feel and some things I can't just put out there on the email list. I don't want Joe to read a lot of this until this situation is over with.

I'm journaling as a form of "handling it." I feel like I am trying to wrap my head around a new universe, a new level of consciousness that I can't grasp right now. It feels galactic, the distance I have been traveling emotionally.

I am trying to tamp down my thoughts, my mind's energy is just exploding, I have already locked my keys in the car once. I don't want to lose my wallet or step in front of a bus and at the level my mind is operating I could just about do that very thing. So I am working to control my thinking, keeping regualr routines and seeking small pleasures and encouragements.

We got some great news today. One test for liver cancer came back negative. The pancreas situation is more problematic. The tests results for cancer in the pancreas came back elevated but not extremely high. We have to wait and see what the biopsies say.

I am forwarding in separate emails my first four journal entries. Hope you don't mind.

Some of them have typos as I am just typing as fast as I can.

Love and thank you for all your support and friendship.

Pamela