#181 / 2011 Winter: Albuquerque

BEATLICK JOE'S FINAL JOURNAL ENTRY

#181

Joe had a new journal given to him by Terry Alvarez, Storydancer, of Las Cruces, NM, for his birthday. Recently I found it and discovered this last entry.


His first entry (an  unknown quote): I walk ahead of myself in perpetual expectancy of miracles.


Joe's final thoughts:


"Are you writing a lot?" Terry asked for the second time. I guess she thinks I should be scribbling away between pain pills, as if having an expiration date on my life should enhance my writing.


My answer both times was "no." Mostly because I don't feel like writing. I'm happy to lie down, after finding a comfortable position, close my eyes, and enjoy the warmth of a zipped-open sleeping bag and wait. Plus I don't know that my death-tinged words would be more valuable than a poem I had written in my vim and vigor days.


Irregardless of how I feel I usually put pen to paper when I am consumed with a good idea or a strong theme that needs flushing out.


If Terry thinks I should run out the clock while trying to extend my fame into the future, a few last minute shots to increase my total points scored, I don't find that inspirational. I've made some contributions to the poetry scene over the years.


My goal has always been to serve literature, not use writing to promulgate my own personality.


Fortunately, literature will continue on whether I write profuseley while coughing up blood or never write another word.


The quality of literature's devotees is the important point. These servants follow in line one after another. Someone is waiting to take my place.

#180 / 2011 Winter: Albuquerque

JOE'S LAST STORY
#180

While driving past the south entrance to Bosque del Apache our VW broke a fan belt. We spent a quiet night on Highway 1. Not one motor car drove by from 8 pm and sunrise. Pamela used her AAA privileges just before the card expired. We were towed to the Artesian Hot Springs in T or C and the owner of the RV Park, Bill, replaced the belt.

Then I broke down and Pamela hauled me to the emergency room on the Emerald Coast. My right calf had been painful for two weeks. I was limping to the beach. When my ankle swelled up it was time to seek help. Our friend wZ recommended the Sacred Heart Hospital at Miramar Beach. 

An examination revealed a deep vein thrombosis which could lead to a pulmonary embolism. They expeditiously admitted me to room 219 with oxygen in my nose and a cable connected to a blood vessel. They inserted an umbrella like net in my groin area to prevent an embolus from reaching my lungs or brain. 

Pamela moved us in and it was more fun than a Holiday Inn Select. Our cozy quarters had cable TV, WiFi, and a bedside phone to talk to family and friends from around the country. If I chat with someone on her TracFone she is soon giving me the wrap it up sign from our studio production days. With incoming calls on a land line she did not worry about the frivolous consumption of her minutes. And room service brought us hot meals on a tray. 

The Sacred Heart Hospital is a not-for-profit service whose primary mission is to serve the poor. They have a wonderful staff devoted to high quality health care. While talking to the doctor I complained of a pain on the left side of my belly. A scan revealed a suspicious lesion on my liver and pancreas. So they used skewers to extract a core sample of my internal organs for a biopsy. Now in addition to my dermatologist I might have to find me an oncologist. 

Thanks to the e-mails and phone calls. Such positive energy helps bolster the healing process. Pamela gives me two injections a day of Lovenox to manage the blood clots. The VW and I are back on the road. Below are a few e-mails from friends:

This is one of those times in life when you reach a junction or a crossroads. One path leads to spiritual advancement, and the other leads to confusion and much sorrow. Which road to choose?  When in doubt, always go with your heart. As Pascal said, "The heart has its reasons about which reason knows nothing." You can always go to Mexico later. Get well first, worry about the future later. Of course, the one sure way to make God laugh is to make a plan. So I would concentrate on the basic task of putting one foot in front of the other. Isn't that the meaning of progress? 

Steve Jackson

PH & JS, I've spent a bit of time on the Redneck Riviera, Ft. Walton and thereabouts...know Destin fairly well.  It ain't that far from N'ville.  If it turns out that you'll be there awhile, I may drive down to tell jokes to Joe and make his stitches hurt from laughing.  'Least I could do for a friend...you're both in my prayers.  

Grant Houston

You know, I have great memories of Windows on the Cumberland, and Mr. Gatti’s Poetry n Pizza – Volcanic Heat (my experiment in multi-voice poetry) - the two of you were so supportive of me, and the other me (Larry & Larry, my experiments in poetry with drums).  I was not at all surprised to read the testimonials in Scott’s e-mail with tales of all of the seeds of support you have planted across our land – poetry sprouting everywhere! Joe, you are the Johnny Appleseed of the American poetry scene!  Pamela, you are the nurturing rain.  I love you both!!

Larry Simons

And humor: OK, I've just got to say this upfront: I am VERY jealous. Pretty nurses, bedside attention, and the Florida Coast in November... you know that if it wasn't for the fact that Joe can't drink anymore, I'd probably be willing to trade places with him right now! 

Durable Brad

#179 / 2011 Winter: Albuquerque

NO JOE

#179

Published in Malpais Review: Spring 2011

(A tributed issue for Beatlick Joe Speer published by Gary Brower)

I wish I understood string theory better

co-existing alternative realities all sandwiched together

I could turn a corner and there you would be

on the other side of some whole wheat toast

You ran off while I went to the store

your beginning to unbuckle

There is one of your poetic recitations

on my MP3 player

Now I call it your intellectual property

I avoid that part of the band width

I miss your voice but I sure don't

want to hear it digitally.

After a month I dreamed of you

You were conspicuous in your absence.

I merely dreamed you weren't there

Body and soul I know you are gone

Not once have I called your name out

by mistake.

Beatlick Pamela Hirst

#178 / 2011 Winter: Albuquerque

FINALLY I DREAM OF JOE

#178

Feb. 25

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with is the absence of Joe in my dreams. When my mother died she came to me in dreams so many times. I think she was communicating with  me.

But Joe proved to be so illusive and it was one month to the day, or night, when I finally had a dream about him:

In my dream I was standing in an anteroom by a large banquet hall. The door to that room was open and I passed through.

I told someone, I don't know who, "I am going to go and see what table Joe has chosen for us." I wanted to see where we were going to sit before the event began. 


But the moment I walked through the door I felt a great emptiness. It was then that I realized Joe  had not been there at all, would never be there. He was gone.

#177 / 2011 Winter: Albuquerque

FEBRUARY 9

#177

I have basically been cloistered here in Albuquerque trying to get the final proof of Joe's book ordered. I am uploading it tomorrow. I have plans to launch the book in Las Cruces in April, but I will mention all that when the plans are final.

Please allow me a few more days to get up all the information on Joe's book public. The book will eventually be available through bookstores as well as online, but for the near future it will have to be ordered online or through me. More on all of that when I have those books in my hands, at least two more weeks.

Joe's tribute in Las Cruces was awesome. It is my understanding that he is going to be honored in some manner during the

Border Book Festival as well. More on all of that when I have all the information. I intend to launch the book during the festival.

A room full of Las Crucens turned out for Joe's memorial. For all your thoughtful deeds and acts of kindness I am eternally grateful.  I think I am doing fine, I am keeping myself extremely busy, so there hasn't been time to wallow in sadness. I was a lucky woman  for a very long time and that is what I focus on.

love

Beatlick Pamela

#176 / 2011 Winter: Albuquerque

IT'S OVER

#176

Jan. 25

Beatlick Joe has left the building. His book is being uploaded tomorrow. He llies here beside me now. We are three women holding a wake. We are three women who edited Joe's book and sit here now at the birth and at the death.

Pamela, Carol and Debbie

#175 / 2011 Winter: Albuquerque

I FOUGHT WITH DEATH LAST NIGHT

#175

Jan. 22

Actually night before last. I suppose this was an hallucination. I have been working on editing Joe's book proof, setting up his new facebook page and reediting the website with the latest newsletter. I was working on the website all day and night and was shocked to see it was almost three o'clock in the morning. I went to bed. As I lay in bed, very sad and crying, I looked up in the dark at the ceiling. There was a faint glimmer of light. I began to see spinning and whirling entities fill the top of the room. Everything was rotating, smoky like giant white moths. These little whirls began to come towards me and Joe. I had no doubt that this was death, horrible furries, swirling around and trying to suck up Joe's soul. Evil horrible things. I stared at them and they flew close to my face taunting me, but I just kept my eyes wide open challenging them and leaned over Joe as he lay in the bed so they couldn't get at him. This went on for quite a few minutes. Finally they began to come together up in the ceiling and reshape into something more like clouds. It seemed I had been able to repel them but they were not leaving by any means.

I thought to myself this is working but I don't know how long I can keep my eyes wide open like this for the whole night. And then I realized they would never tolerate the light. So I merely got out of bed and turned on the light. Problem solved. But I tell you with ever fiber of my heart I believe I fought off death last night as it came to take Joe.

The next day new medication to help his nausea worked and he was able to eat just a little bit but at least something. He has been literally starving to death for two weeks. So I can get some food in him, he has rallied enough to sit in on the editing sessions and I do bellieve  he will make it to The Sourceon Thursday here in Albuquerque for a little tribute celebration in his honor. It's at 1111 Carlisle SE here in Albuquerque.

This is the only good thing that has happened in such a long time. Joe won't have long for this world, but at least I hope he will live to hold the final edition of his book. The editing is going on fast and furious, six of us at a time sitting around the table editing the proofs.

Love and peace

Beatlick Pamela

#174 / 2011 Winter: Albuquerque

DEBORAH COY TAKES US IN

#174

Jan. 16

I have managed with help from a friend to start a Facebook page for Joe. If you have gotten other messages please excuse me, there is a learning curve I must endure. Just go to Facebook and key in "Beatlick Joe Speer." I will be working on it for a while but anyone can go and post some thoughts on Joe.

Five proofs of Joe's book are on the way and I am sending out pdf files of his book to anyone who would like to see it online, read through it and write a blurb. It's a tall order and the time is limited but to anyone interested I will send you the pdf file.

After three days on morphine I decided it's not a good time for that. Joe needs to have some wits about him to write the author's note for the book and to do his reviews for the next newsletter. So I thought he was a lot better today, more alert and he is sitting up and holding court with many visitors. I am encouraged that he can get the book finished.

I am also walking the new neighborhood and getting better acquainted with our new surroundings. Deborah Coy and John Ver Plough took us into their home in Albuquerque. It's not an easy thing to find someone who will give you a place to die. It is beyond Christianity.

Sincerely

Beatlick Pamela

#173 / 2011 Winter: Placitas, NM

THE ANGEL OF DEATH

#173

Jan. 14

He came yesterday, the angel of death; his name is Michael Dunn. I have been in the dark about what to expect but he laid it out in no uncertain terms, gruesome details of the coming days for Joe. I burst into tears.

I won't go into specifics but he arrived with anti-anxiety pills for when Joe can't catch his breath, he has three kinds of pain pills including a vial of liquid morphine, and three types of stool softeners. I won't say more. But Michael says his goal is to keep Joe pain free and comfortable.

We are moving into a little place in the North Valley, an extension of a friend's home. That is where the hospice people will come to take care of Joe and here we will stay.

The book is done and uploaded to createspace.com. I expect a proof soon and pray Joe will live to hold his own book in his hand. I have edited 600 pages, worked 15 hours a day, all week. Next I am rebuilding beatlick.com to present all the wonderful responses Joe has received from around the country and the world.

Joe's book - and I will have more details later - will be available on Amazon.com, and can be ordered from any bookstore: Backpack Trekker: A 60's Flashback. We still have to get back the proof and do a final edit, so it will probably be a month at least before we hold it in our hands.

Thanx again to everybody for your support, your love

Beatlick Pamela

#172 / 2011 Winter: Placitas, NM

THE BOOK COMES TOGETHER #172 Jan. 13, 2011 Well I have been lax on my reports on Beatlick Joe because I have spent the last week working 15-18 hours a day getting his book ready for a publisher. Backpack Trekker: A 60's Flashback will be uploaded to an online publisher today. It will take some time to get the first proof back, go through it and resubmit, but I am hopeful Joe will live to see his book. We saw another oncologist here in Albuquerque and with each doctor we receive less hope, less time. The Albuquerque doctor said," Without treatment, from diagnosis to death is three months." I can hardly do the math. But let it suffice to say that Joe's decline is extremely rapid. He is in hospice care and very kind and loving people have given us a real place to stay in Albuquerque until he needs to go to a hospice facility or dies in his bed. I don't knowl. That's harsh, but I have been stripped of any hope for quality time here at the end. We have had our last hike unless I push him in a wheelchair. I can't even hug him anymore because it is too painful for him, never make love again, never... never. For those of you in Las Cruces I believe there will be a story on us next Monday in the Sun-News daily newspaper. We will be a feature along with the story of Wayne Crawford and his alternative struggle against pancreatic cancer. We are meeting Joe's permanent nurse today at four. It is a man. Joe did get to have one beautiful nurse give him a bath this week and she tried to shave him but he was full of scratches when she got through. He can't tolerate many cuts because he takes a blood thinner, that mercifully is down to one shot a day instead of two. People ask me what will I do, where will I go. I guess I'll go see my friend Josie Kuhn in Zjuatenejo Mexico, I can't spell it, when it's all over. Friends and family members of Joe's whom I don't know have been coming out of the woodwork to help us. There will be a hat passed for Joe on the 27th at The Source monthly poetry reading. Many people want to send us something to defray costs. Anyone who is moved to do that can send a check to Joe at: Beatlick Joe Speer c/o Malpais Review PO Box 339 Placitas, NM 87043 That would be a good place to send a card as well until I can send out our new address in Albuqerque. We have made a permanent move here for the duration. Anything mailed to Las Cruces we will have to have forwarded by our mail service. This isn't cheerful or optomistic. I didn't know what to expect and I haven't expected things to go downhill so rapidly. Joe's new nurse is bringing out morphine medication, saying that will help his breathing and perhaps he can gain some semblance of energy. He can not sit up for over an hour without exhausting himself. There will alos be an interview with Joe in Gary Brower's next book, the Malpais review. So many people are coming together to honor Joe, I know how loved he is. I am the lucky woman who got to live with him for 22 years. Love you all for your concern Beatlick Pamela

#171 / 2010 Winter: Placitas, NM, New Year's Eve

NEW YEARS EVE 

#171

We spent New Year’s Eve on the road to Albuquerque arriving at Gary Brower and Jim Gay’s home up in Placitas before dark. I was tired and konked out before midnight. Joe declined rapidly.

My next report: Jan 4

Our new traveling companion, cancer Happy New Year to all, Beatlick Joe and I are living large up in the hills of Placitas. We left the Mountain View Hospital in Las Cruces with a tip from the nurse, keep Joe's leg elevated. He has developed a second blood clot in his right leg, so now he has matching blood clots in each leg. I was so excited when we left Las Cruces but Joe's energy level declined as soon as we left the hospital. What has made the only difference for him is keeping that leg elevated. His pain has subsided somewhat. I have to encourage him to take the pain pills, but when he does he is a lot more comfortable Just yesterday for the first time since this all started he said he was able to lay down and get in a comfortable position where he didn't have any discomfort. It doesn't last of course but that is the first improvement for anything since this whole scenario began. Cancer was such an unexpected companion and its effects have been so swift that I am not quite prepared. We hoped to have at least six months to get things in order. All of you who love Joe so much have been so generous. Especially with housing. We have made the decision to move to Albuquerque and begin a new group of doctors. Here we can have dependable shelter for the winter, although it is just couch surfing, but very comfortable couch surfing, and really not couches but bedrooms. Apparently it is an uncomplicated transition to move his health care to Albuquerque. We already have made arrangements for a new doctor and I am hopeful that Joe can get more treatment. We have opted out of any extraordinary measures but things are declining so rapidly with no treatments at all save our feeble homeopathic cures, that I am anxious to see another doctor and see what options might still be available to at least get him more energy. Joe has crutches and a wheelchair coming tomorrow to address the fact he can't walk with painful clots in his legs. But that can improve over time. So we continue with two shots a day of the blood thinner Lovenox and incrementally his legs are improving. He hasn't had to slow down with a flurry of social visits and we are seeing and hearing from all sorts of old friends and relatives. Joe really enjoys this. But our new companion must be honored. I have a new respect for cancer. Joe was not sick one day of his life and felt great until just two months ago. Then it all fell apart. He has lived a very moderate life, not a big drinker, certainly not a big eater, and very active hiking and biking. He has a pure heart and good thoughts, low stress. It's hard to figure why this happened to him except to say that it might have run in the family. His mom died of stomach cancer, very quickly, in her late sixties. I made a new's year resolution not to drink, he's not drinking, and he has curtailed a lot of his diet as well. We are trying to avoid growth hormones in regular dairy products and I am making him the first batch of Essiac tea today. We had a great visit with friends today. Joe has spent at least six or seven hours out of the bed today. That means he is feeling somewhat better and we are excited about meeting a new doctor up here. Thank you all for your support, we will keep you posted. I love you all. Beatlick Pamela

#170 / 2010 Winter: Las Cruces, Mountain View Hospital

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND NOT SO UGLY

#170

Dec. 30, 2010

Sleeping in hospitals is never fun, I slept in them many a night when I was the primary caretaker for my mother for ten years. But this hospital felt like an asylum last night, The noises are always endless in a hospital, beepers go off when the IV drips are empty, chimes go off to call a nurse, But here....

Among the "ping pong" noise for the nurse and the rythmic "beep beep" for the IV, there is some poor soul on the opposite side of Joe's bed, obviously deranged, who screams all night long. "IIIIiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiii, ughhhhhhhhhhh, ayyyyyyyyyyy" the volume mounts to a loud moaned cry.

If she gets more agitated and starts moving the bed an alarm goes off, which the nurses ignore. "She will just set if off again," one said last night. I covered my ears with the TV portable speaker, put a pillow on my other ear. I got out my MP3 player and blasted both earbuds into my ear. But nothing would drone out "IIIIiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiii, ughhhhhhhhhhh, ayyyyyyyyyyy." At one-thirty I stomped outside and slept in the van.

Now for some good. Joe had a battery of tests. The doctors here didn't locate a clot in Joe's left leg, but that doesn't mean one is there, we are told. He was given large doses of Heparin and after 24 hours of aggressive dosing there was a different man sitting in front of me today. I guess the doses of morphine helped a little too.

We are convinced Joe did have a blood clot in his left leg that is tremendously improved. We are getting out tomorrow.

The not so ugly is: The third doctor for Joe now if we don't count his skin doctor came in today and advised us that Joe will be on blood thinners for life. We are opting to continue with the shots twice a day. If he goes to the pills he would have to go to a doctor's office once a week.

We'll get more prescriptions tomorrow and I guess talk at least to his two other doctors if they are open tomorrow, and with that hit the road back to Albuquerque. After 15 years we are going to get Joe's book ready to publish. As soon as that is done we expect to come back and have that procedure done on Joe's back if pain begins to be a problem. His pain for cancer has been minimal, it was all about the blood clots which are highly improved.

Happy Trails

Beatlick Pamela

#169 / 2010 Winter: Las Cruces, Mountain View Hospital

MOUNTAIN VIEW HOSPITAL

#169

Things start going downhill. 

On the 29^th I report online:’

Beatlick Joe had a great visit up in Albuquerque but just as we got there his other leg began to bother him so now we are back in the hospital here in Las Cruces. The doctors say the cancer causes the blood clots, which are so painful that Joe can't walk and is using crutches. He has already accepted the fact he has to make a short bucket list but so much of his hopes are for hiking and exploring more of Utah. Lord knows we have explored enough of Texas. New Mexico and Arizona. He is in Mountain View Hospital, room 326, 575-556-7326 is a direct line to his room. Seeing someone you love suffer is so difficult, most of us would rather be in pain ourselves than watch the one we love suffer. Joe is stoic, I am fragile at times but work hard to remain upbeat. Some of the homeopathic stuff I am giving Joe includes dandelion root extract, milk thistle and medicinal mushrooms. I have also heard of something called Essiac herbal mixture which I am going to check out at the co-op market. Joe's initial pain in his liver and other parts has subsided since we began all this but the blood clots are messing up the whole situation. They have just increased the blood thinners in an IV drip and he will have a whole barage of tests, scans and xrays starting this afternoon to determine what is going on with his left leg. He has a filter in his right leg to stop the clots before they can go to his brain, lungs or heart, but another one has to be put in the left leg if that is what is causing all the pain. Thanks to Gary Brower for the loan of crutches so Joe could enjoy the poetry scene in Albuquerque at the home of Dale and Scott Harris. Thanx to all and we'll keep you posted. Pamela

#168 / 2010 Winter: Las Cruces

JOE CONTINUES TO DECLINE

#168

And to Dana and my journal:
One thing so difficult for me now is not being able to cuddle with Joe in the bed. His stomach is sore from all the shots, his liver and pancreas are tender and he can't tolerate anyone touching his sides. We just hold hands under the covers.

I think Joe has another clot in his foot. He can hardly walk and I found an old broomstick for him to use as a cane. He hasn't taken any pain pills although I am constantly goading him to do so. 

"I would be the first to know if I am in pain?" he tells me. But he makes these funny little grunts and his breathing is often labored.

I made a spectacle of myself at the doctor's office before we left town because I couldn't get the prescription for Lovenox filled. I was not aware he was only going to get one month of medicine and then a refill had to be authorized by the new doctor in Las Cruces. 

When the pharmacist  told us we would have to pay cash which we couldn't have done, I went flying into the doctor's office trying to get a verification. I was so upset I couldn't talk or make any sense of what I needed to communicate.

And of course that doesn't happen quickly. I got on the phone to the Loveless representative that we have been working with and she got everything worked out in Albuquerque. We were ready to travel there when we hit the snag with that prescription.

So it all worked out but not before the assistants at the doctor's had to come around the desk and comfort me, "Just breathe," she said. "We're here to help you."

I had panicked. But I did believe the assistant, they are all here to help, Joe really does have an entire team working on his behalf. I don't know what I would do without that insurance rep, I call her so often and she has never let me down.

We will spend this week visiting around for Christmas then we have to go back to see both doctors before the end of the year. Joe's blood has to be monitored because of the blood thinners. When we return in January Joe's book will be the top priority: Backpack Slacker: A flashback of the 60s

#167 / 2010 Winter: Las Cruces

DECEMBER 23

#167

I report online:

We are now working with two doctors in Las Cruces, an oncologist who specializes in cancer treatment and a surgeon who will help with pain management. Beyond what we are doing with alternative medicine Joe isn't really getting any treatment for his pancreatic cancer. 

We have opted to let nature take its course and just make every day count. Chemo therapy would just tie us down and it really doesn't add that much to your overall life span, a few extra months. It's really not worth all the hassle that such treatment entails as far as Joe is concerned. 

We are continuing to travel and Joe's top priority is to get his book "Backpack Slacker: A Flashback of the 60s" published. We'll be doing that online as soon as possible.We will stay with a friend in Placitas, NM, who has gone through the process and will help us out. 

Joe's first SS check just came in today so he is a man of independent means now.

I see his energy level dropping, but his appetite is good. The latest edition of Beatlick News is out and I will have that up online within a few more days. Joe is busy mailing out to all the submitters and subscribers.

So we have a great medical team with two caring, talented physicians dedicated to keeping Joe comfortable. There has been a wonderful representative from the State Health Insurance Loveless who has walked us through every crisis in getting medication.

I am here all day every day to see that Joe's every wish is fulfilled. No one is going to go out with more spirit and panache than Beatlick Joe. It's all good.

Happy Holidays

Pamela

#166 / 2010 Winter: Las Cruces

DR. ROSS PULLS NO PUNCHES

#166

I write to Dana:

Well the bladder infection scare set me back on the straight and narrow so I quit self medicating but to tell the honest to God truth I took half of one of Joe’s pain pills about an hour ago.

This was the second doctor’s prognosis for Joe, Dr. Ross in Las Cruces. And he just didn’t beat around the bush. Dr. Ross isn’t even going to treat the cancer just to add two maybe three months to Joe’s life. Instead they are doing a procedure on a nerve in his back so he will not suffer so much of the pain associated with pancreatic cancer. I will keep giving him the shots twice a day. If we go to the pills he would have to spend so much more time getting his blood monitored and diet restrictions that the shots are really less of a hassle.

So we can travel as we wish, although we won’t get that trip to Mexico, but we will hit the road to Albuquerque as soon as we leave the doctor’s office on Tuesday. All the uncertainty is over.

I struggle with the question still, did I lose the light? A few months ago I was just beginning to have this distinct feeling of light and grace. The van wasn’t breaking down, I actually saved money last month, the future seemed bright. I have struggled for five years with anxiety, my mind running rampant with thoughts I can hardly control. And most of it just worry over something that may or may not happen. But all that was changing, I was truly gaining peace of mind. I was in the light for the first time.

As this situation has arisen I question “Am I in the light?” or did I lose it as soon as I found it. It has taken my whole life to get to that space of peacefulness within myself, and now?

But taking it all one day at a time, the beauty of the day, the light on my shoulder all the way back across Texas, the goodness that has been shown to the both of us, I think: I must be in the light.

Lots of things have gone right. I learned just this morning that Joe’s insurance is renewed and he is covered for the next year. He has no copay. That is a miracle within itself. These shots he is taking costs thousands of dollars a month I was told, but he will get all that medication free.

He can go out on his own terms not tied down to radiation or chemo-therapy.

So I do believe I have remained in the light. I am at peace. It is well with my soul.

So maybe I stand alone in this enchanted place, the great lightness of being. Death has brushed my cheek and breathed down my neck only to pass me by. But he has exacted a great toll, he has taken the most precious thing in my life, Joe.

#165 / 2010 Winter: Las Cruces

DECEMBER 13

#165

I report online:

Joe is sleeping now. We went to see the second doctor here in Las Cruces. It's not good. Basically Joe has stage four pancreatic cancer unoperable and unalterable. He also has blood clots which we can treat him for. I give him shots twice a day. Next Tuesday Joe will have a procedure done that will due something to a nerve in his back so he will not suffer. That is all they are going to do to treat the cancer. I will give him shots twice a day for the bloodclots. This is almost good news because at least we can travel. He doesn't want to be tied down. Joe's email for anyone who doesn't have it is beatlickjoe@yahoo.com. I stew up big vats of Chinese herbs, we got the medicinal mushrooms, went non dairy, non alcohol. I will start some travel reports after the holidays. I think we are just going to hit the road. Don't know where yet. Best to you all, thank you for being there for Beatlick Joe and for me Pamela

#164 / 2010 Winter: Las Cruces

DECEMBER 10

#164

To Dana:

It’s late on Friday night, we got a hotel room on our last night on the road. This morning when Joe used the restroom there was blood all over the toilet paper. When I gave him his shot he bled too.

This shook me up, seeing all that blood. It makes me wonder now is there more cancer elsewhere. Of course there is nothing to know until we see the doctors in Las Cruces. I drank a big beer and had two glasses of wine today.

I’m afraid I’m self medicating. I can’t really drink much or I will get sick with a bladder infection, I have to pace myself, but I used that beer to take the edge off, trying to forget all that blood I saw this morning. By night we just attributed it to the blood thinners. I pray, I pray. I’m so fearful for Joe, I don’t want him to be in pain or uncomfortable and he won’t complain. He always tells me he feels just fine, but I worry.

#163 / 2010 Winter: Tyler, TX

DECEMBER 9

#163

Dec. 9 I report online:

Well we have spent a few days in Taylor, TX, and are getting ready to hit the road back to Albuquerque. Joe has his first appt. with the doctor on Monday the 13th at 9 am. We are really grateful that the doctor set this up by phone, and the Loveless State Health Insurance representative has been incredibly helpful. Joe is in good spirits. I am so grateful for my email lists, it has been a great comfort to me however sometimes I wonder at the wisdom of going public so fast because some people are so sad and upset. So please know that we are in good hands, excited about meeting the doctor this coming Monday. Joe is loaded down with Chinese herbs and blood thinners so all that can be done is done. Love to you all Pamela

#162 / 2010 Winter: New Orleans

JAMIE GIVENS WRITES

#162

Dec. 7, 2010

This from Jamie:

Pamela,

The one thing about Joe, he rarely complains.

When we saw each other at Brown's Diner, and we were in the van, you and Joe talked to me about how he was not feeling well.  At that moment, I had somersaults going in my tummy.  Joe had a far away look in his eyes.  I had an ominous feeling come over me.  Earlier in the night, Joe mentioned to me that he had not been feeling well.  Since I assess people's health daily, I felt myself go into clinician mode.  Let's just say, I was concerned.

You do have a large support of friends and loved ones who care deeply.  If there is anything I can do, please feel free to ask.  I love you both, and you both will have a huge amount of respect and honor from me.  Joe is a great role model for living.  One day maybe I will be able to articulate the amount of gratitude I have for Joe because he believed in me and always supported my work.  He continues to teach me how to be a better person.

LOVE to you BOTH!!!

Jamie

Now Joe nor I can remember ever having mentioning to Jamie anything about Joe not feeling well. It wasn’t really an issue at this time, but maybe we did. Regardless Jamie had the perfect description: A faraway look in his eyes. That’s what it is. I see it come over him and he is looking someplace so far past me, someplace I can’t see. It’s to me already the beginning of a withdrawal.

However things are going well. We have an appointment already scheduled for this coming Monday at 9 am with the oncologist.

#161 / 2010 Winter: New Orleans

DECEMBER 5

#161

We are normal again, just with  new information. I can walk around and enjoy myself without the roar in my head. We have been in New Orleans for four days  now, camped out in the parking lot of the Nix Branch Public Library on S. Carrollton. We  have urban camped here so many times before and we never get hassled.

We head down to the Rue de la Course Coffeehouse in the morning for coffee and to visit their facilities. Joe has started keeping a journal as well. I haven’t read it, Don’t know when I will. We dined in the Quarter for last night’s dinner, me having my long awaited for post oil spill PoBoy sandwich, and it was delicious,

On the trolley road home he told me of his thoughts. “I see a crippled person and I wonder what if I could trade with that person, I would be lame, but I would be alive. I see a blind person and wonder could I trade with them? At least I would be alive.”

It was so poignant. He won’t get those options. I asked, “What of the denouement.”

“Well I don’t really have one, I guess, accept I will bend to some greater calling.”

And so it must be. This morning we are grateful because Joe says he really feels good. He walked almost two miles yesterday. He was really tired when we got back to the van but there were no repercussions whatsoever. And the area around his liver feels better today he claims. So maybe the Chinese herbs are helping.

“I’m glad we are already doing something pro-active,” he said. It will be a while yet before we can see a doctor and start his treatments. We have at least a thousand miles to drive yet.

When Joe got back to the van last night I got him all comfortable so I could go on out and get some exercise. I see something new happening with us. He just gazes at me. Tenderly, quietly. There is so much going on between our eyes, his gentle stare at me, my gaze back at him. And we claim a profound love there, unspoken.

I feel that he is already relinquishing a  little bit of life over to me. You go, you exercise, I’ll be here waiting. I can only imagine that look increasing as time goes on. The look.

#160 / 2010 Winter: New Orleans

GOING  HOLISTIC

#160

And again on Dec. 4^th I report online:

I want you all to know how much it has meant to me to be able to reach out to so many people so quickly and easily. It has made the whole path a lot easier to walk. Before we left Panama City we made a stop by a Chinese medicine clinic that wZ just insisted we visit for some support and information on diet and routine. We left with a huge bag of Chinese herbs to be made into a teaish, brothy kind of tonic for Joe. We are fine. I am more concerned right now for our friends and family who are so upset. The anguish and suffering in my poor sister's voice was so painful to me. We are really fine. Actually I feel better knowing the truth of the situation. When we saw the young American man who was our Chinese herbalist and holistic medicine man, a personal friend of wZ's who worked us in his busy scedule, he was visibly shaken by what he read on Joe's report. I told him we were at peace with what was to come. He told me he has never met anyone who took such devastating news so calmly. I merely said "We are practical people, realists." So we want to stress here we are in New Orleans having a very good time. We are focused on the fact that Joe feels just fine today, we are anxious to see how the herbs treat him. There is a lot to be thankful for, particularly his New Mexico State Health Insurance. My god, he almost passed that up last summer, but I insisted he fill out the renewal card. What fate would have held for him without that insurance I can't even imagine. So... I can leave him and go shopping in the Quarter, spend time alone now, and be at peace. My mind is no longer racing ahead, I feel all put back together again. We're basically back to normal, but with new knowledge. I will tell you the one rather grisly thing I saw in the Quarter yesterday by the French Market. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw a man dragging three really large fish through the street from the wharf. I walked over to see what was going on. The fish looked like bodies being dragged through the street. A fishmonger drugged these three large fish by a rope across the market steps for about half a block. He set up right there where the vendors and cafes are located. People were taking pictures. One of the poor fish was still breathing, its chest heaving and falling, and most of the skin had been rubbed off its back. It was horrible, like some 14th century French scene of paupers being readied to be drawn and quartered. I still can't figure it out. We will go to the Maple Leaf Bar for the open-mic poetry Sunday at 3 pm. After that we will head out toward Texas. Thanks to all of you again Beatlick Pamela

#159 / 2010 Winter: Panama City

DECEMBER 21 

#159

I report online:

I'll take things cronologically. Joe and I got ready to leave for the doctor's appointment this morning. wZ gave us an envelope splashed with some holy water from the Burning Man Festival. We all hugged. I commented that the envelope felt like it had something in it. He said it was something that would just help ease our mind on the trip home.   When we opened the envelope expecting to maybe see some twenty dollar billls, we found a thousand dollars inside, all one hundred dollar bills. We were stunned. What this means is we can get motel rooms all the way home so Joe can rest comforably. In pretty good spirits we headed to the hospital. Joe has pancreatic cancer manageable through some drugs by pill and a scheduled IV drip. With this conventional medical treatment the doctor said he could expect nine months. I came to terms with it all yesterday so I have taken it fairly well for now. In Joe's words we are awestruck. WZ also made arrangements for us to go see a homeopathic nutritional advisor tomorrow on the way out of town. So we will enjoy hearing more than one opinion. We'll do all we can. . But that doesn't stop today from being great, the sunset perfect, the sushi delectible. And we have enough money to stay in a hotel in New Orleans and that is the very next place we are going. Happy Trails Beatlick Pamela