#166 / 2010 Winter: Las Cruces

DR. ROSS PULLS NO PUNCHES

#166

I write to Dana:

Well the bladder infection scare set me back on the straight and narrow so I quit self medicating but to tell the honest to God truth I took half of one of Joe’s pain pills about an hour ago.

This was the second doctor’s prognosis for Joe, Dr. Ross in Las Cruces. And he just didn’t beat around the bush. Dr. Ross isn’t even going to treat the cancer just to add two maybe three months to Joe’s life. Instead they are doing a procedure on a nerve in his back so he will not suffer so much of the pain associated with pancreatic cancer. I will keep giving him the shots twice a day. If we go to the pills he would have to spend so much more time getting his blood monitored and diet restrictions that the shots are really less of a hassle.

So we can travel as we wish, although we won’t get that trip to Mexico, but we will hit the road to Albuquerque as soon as we leave the doctor’s office on Tuesday. All the uncertainty is over.

I struggle with the question still, did I lose the light? A few months ago I was just beginning to have this distinct feeling of light and grace. The van wasn’t breaking down, I actually saved money last month, the future seemed bright. I have struggled for five years with anxiety, my mind running rampant with thoughts I can hardly control. And most of it just worry over something that may or may not happen. But all that was changing, I was truly gaining peace of mind. I was in the light for the first time.

As this situation has arisen I question “Am I in the light?” or did I lose it as soon as I found it. It has taken my whole life to get to that space of peacefulness within myself, and now?

But taking it all one day at a time, the beauty of the day, the light on my shoulder all the way back across Texas, the goodness that has been shown to the both of us, I think: I must be in the light.

Lots of things have gone right. I learned just this morning that Joe’s insurance is renewed and he is covered for the next year. He has no copay. That is a miracle within itself. These shots he is taking costs thousands of dollars a month I was told, but he will get all that medication free.

He can go out on his own terms not tied down to radiation or chemo-therapy.

So I do believe I have remained in the light. I am at peace. It is well with my soul.

So maybe I stand alone in this enchanted place, the great lightness of being. Death has brushed my cheek and breathed down my neck only to pass me by. But he has exacted a great toll, he has taken the most precious thing in my life, Joe.