#196 / 2011 May Oaxaca

Oaxaca: Poetry
#196

May 17

Oaxacan deluge

rattles night sky, floods my soul

I claim all these tears

  

That bedroom in

Oaxaca

was defined

by  my tears.

A monsoon then

and now.

The rain

brings my tears.

I am a Cancer; a water sign

a moody moon child.

A crab crawls backwards

Yet I can’t go back.

And this grief is

hard work.

It is so hard to

believe anything good

will come of this.

But I heard Oprah say

just today

“Open up your heart

and the universe

rises up to you.”

I do not want this

new home

to be marked

by my grief.

THE FIRST DAYS WERE ROUGH




The arrival in Oaxaca transpired without  event however I am questioning the wisdom of this decisión. I won´t jump to conclusions but in my heart I know Joe would have been miserable here. The traffic is awful, it is hot, dirty, busy and confusing. And so far I am not overwhelmed with charm. But that is in the city, I do love my apt. However except for Kurt and the landlady no one is friendly.

Zijuatenejo was a lot nicer, with the ocean, the little burros and I liked the rosters crowing. It is far too urban for chickens and burros here. It´s me too i know. Kurt the neighbor isn´t really handsome but he was standing over my shoulder when I sent that message and told me to say that. Anyone who knows what Henry Miller looked like knows he wasn´t that handsome. But he is kind and knowledgeable and extremely helpful.

He told me about websites expat.com and mexconnect.com where he has found great deals. He is moving on to Mazatlan and getting a place for less than two hundred a month. I may follow him, don´t know yet. I am definitely here for the month regardless.

At first I was sitting around with him and drinking a lot of beer. It does ease the pain, but I´m not doing that anymore. It just prolongs the pain I do have a few leads for folks to look up and I will do that in days to come. In Zhuatenejo there was so much opportunity to meet intereeting people because our landlord owned a bar that catered to the yacht and cabin cruiser people, it was called a cruiser bar, but in the best sense. Except for Kurt next door there isn´t anyone to talk to. I am getting around well and my Spanish is getting me by.

I did visit Monte Alban yesterday. I was surprised to see so much smog here, can´t really see the surrounding mountains with any detail. I did visit Monte Alban yesterday. I was surprised to see so much smog here. The tour guide asked me out for Wednesdy morning. I said yes. He would be repulsed if he knew how old I am. He kept calling me Pamela Anderson. But why not go out. He gave an excellent tour and emphasized the importance of the spirit of the Zapotec people who build Monte Alban.

I don´t want to keep focusing on my grieving process, it´s been three months and it might as well  have been three days. But it shadows over everything else, I cried almost all afternoon yesterday after that tour guide, think his name was Octavio, asked me out. The mediocrity which I will have to live in from now on out numbs me. I am numb, don´t really enj0y eating anything, am determined not to drink alcohol, and maybe just dealing with this pain for a while will help the whole process.

I can see me doing all the shopping and Joe sitting in our enclave reading and writitng. I´m sure someone would have talked to him. He would have been in the garden all day because he would not be able to abide me watching the televisión.

I apologize for the negativity of this report, it´s just gonna take time. A lot of time and I can get a little excited thinking aobut maybe going on to the beach somewhere next month. For now:

Adiós amigos

Pamela