#144 / 2010 Winter: San Destin: Sacred Heart Hospital

I Go Primal

#144

Then I packed up all our belongings from the borrowed RV we were going to visit in and headed back to the hospital on the beach road 30A.

It's surreal driving down this coast road, the palms, all the condos and beach cafes, tourists jogging and lounging around coffee tables, the Emerald Coast out the window to my left. I am driving through paradise living a hell inside my head.

I go primal again, scream. Then scream again and again white knuckling the steering wheel, looking at the sand and palm trees and screaming low gutteral noises. I don't recognize myself, this is the noise of a dying beast coming out of me, some poor wildebeest being devoured by a lion at some waterhole. I am lowing like a cow, howling like a coyote, who am I?

I am the person that is going to grow old alone, without Joe. Beatlick Joe is love by so many people. He has never had a bad thought for any other human being in the 22 years we have been together. He has honored and respected every human being he has encoutered. I do not suffer fools lightly but Joe will spend the whole day with them letting them unload on him.

I know how lucky I am to have this man in my life, I know how lucky I am to experience this special love that only he is capable of. And now I am going to lose it. Or will I?

Perhaps I still am in that state of grace. My mind is racing and I am so resentful to think I got to hold onto that good feeling for just a few weeks. But maybe we are still in that state of grace, or we. I don't know; I can't tell. On the 20 minute drive back to the hospital I do know that I can't act like this in front of Joe, can't think like this.

I WILL be positive. I am going to go through this experience with the right attitude, smiling and supportive, and never one negative word. I can't eat, but I can drink and I do. I fumble with a drink, illegally driving down the coast with a cup of Triple Sec, vodka and cranberry juice. The effects begin to seep in and I calm my mind enough to think a little more coherently.