#28 / 2003 Tour 2: Meeting Jack Random, Evaluating Emotions

Evaluating my Emotions and Accomplishments

#28

The days are dwindling down now as Beatlick Joe and I complete our year’s journey on the road. Coming out of California, heading east now for the first time since we began, the temperature hit 95 degrees in Baker, California. It seems like an endless summer as we drive through Arizona towards New Mexico.

Here we will spend a few more luxurious weeks bumming around among Joe’s friends and relatives, then we’ll be headed back to buckle down back in Tennessee and do some hard work, that means get jobs.

I have had many inspirational moments on the way. I want to tell you about Jack Random. He is a fascinating writer in Modesto California. His books tell the stories of the American Indians and the injustices they have suffered, and chronicles regarding our government’s involvement in wars both moral and immoral.

I told Jack how disillusioned I have become after my attempts to wage my own campaign against our involvement in the current wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. When I couldn’t convince anyone in my own family, I decided it just isn’t worth it to try to convince anyone about anything, people have to learn their own truths.

But Jack urged me to keep on speaking out, just as he does. He is like so many; he has written brilliant books that have never been read by the masses. He has glorious stories to share that haven’t been heard. But, he keeps on writing, brilliantly.

So, I’ll keep on writing. I have chronicled along the way my feelings about my mother. Over the year I have been humbled as I continue along without her, and now I understand so many of her motives that perplexed me the last few months of her life. She knew she was going and she was trying to make things easier for me. 

I am fascinated with other people’s stories after losing a loved one. Many of us have similar experiences and I want to tell you mine. A few days after mother died, she came to me in a dream. From what I understand this is a very common experience. In my dream I was driving my van through a terrible storm, wind was howling, I could hardly see through the windshield, but I had to keep going, no matter how scared I was, because I knew my mother was waiting for me to come and get her.

Then my son called me on the cell phone. He told me not to worry; I didn’t have to go through the storm, because he had already gotten my mother. I could turn around and go safely home. So, on my cell phone again, this is obviously a very modern dream, I called my mother to ask if she was OK. And as clear as day, as real as could be, my mother’s voice told me loudly and clearly, “I’m home.”And I knew Mama had made it to heaven.

Then about one week went by and I had another dream so vivid that it woke me up at four in the morning. It was a Monday and Joe worked all night. I called him immediately to tell him mother had come to me again in a dream. This time she was in the kitchen. I find this amusing because she was standing in front of the refrigerator, and believe me mother spent a lot of time looking into that refrigerator, she just stood there and it was understood that I was telling her goodbye. 

She didn’t move, just turned her faced upward like a martyr toward heaven. Her arms lay loosely by her side. She couldn’t hold me, but I grabbed her and hugged her as hard as I could. I felt her body as real as if I were still her small child...solid and real. And then it was over. There was nothing left in my arms. I cry now remembering...knowing she wanted to come back and say goodbye to me one more time. I think it was really hard for mother to let go, bless her heart, she lived such a long time. But it was finally over and we had one last embrace.

I have chronicled already my belief that my mother guided us through the desert and saved my life when I had to have emergency surgery. I fully believe she has now received all the great rewards she so richly deserves. She was a modest woman who lived to help and serve others, she set a great example. I hope I follow it more closely as I myself grow older. 

When I set out on this trip I imagined that one day I would drive through some little valley somewhere and be overcome with a feeling of belongingness. I thought perhaps I would find a new home, a new purpose, out here on the road. But it hasn’t happened. And right now the little town of La Vergne, Tennessee seems like a good place to be. I look forward to spending the holidays with my family.

The holidays will come soon, and now I am appreciating my last few weeks of freedom on the road.

Beatlick Pamela